SELF DEFENCE - A Ladies’ Primer on The Best Weapons for Self-Defense

A Ladies’ Primer on The Best Weapons for Self-Defense 

Like most people who have watched too many episodes of Law & Order, I'm acutely aware of the danger of being a lady walking alone at night, especially if I'm in a neighborhood frequented by C-list former TV stars. But when I looked into the best ways to protect myself, I was overwhelmed by my options. So you don't have to go through the same confusing process I did, here's your definitive pro-vs-con guide to arming yourself.

Gun

Pro: Guns are deadly, portable, and look really cool if you say a clever catch phrase after you shoot your attacker. "Yeah!? Well rape this." Or something much, much better. Some female gun enthusiasts tout them as a great equalizer between a small person and a larger attacker. They also can be used to hunt for food. 

Con: Guns are sometimes difficult to obtain, sort of pricey, and take practice and care to master. An inexperienced or irresponsible gun owner can cause more harm than good, or end up Plaxicoing herself in the leg. Gun twirlin' isn't as easy as it looks, and the heightened adrenaline levels brought on by a tense situation might limit your ability to come up with a devastating screen-ready one liner.

Brass Knuckles

Pro: Non-explosive, simple weapon that's easy to master, provided you've got the biceps.
Con: Require a well-developed punch in order to be effective. Can get in trouble for trying to get them through airport security. Take some time to apply. You could get blood or tooth chunks on your hand. 

Mace (Spray)

Pro: Portable, effective, inexpensive way to temporarily disable (but not permanently disfigure) attacker.
Con: If your attacker is a cop, he's got better pepper spray than you have. Illegal in some places. Not to be used on food, no matter what Megyn Kelly says. 

Is Your Child a Lax Bro?

Parents: is your child a student at an elite New Jersey or Long Island all-boys prep school? Does your child enjoy "hanging out" and listening to O.A.R.? Is your child named "Trip," or something? If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, your child may be a lax bro. 

What is a lax bro? you are probably asking, right now. Not asking: screaming! WHAT IS A LAX BRO you are screaming, at this computer, while clawing at your face. Be quiet for one second and let the Boston Globe explain:

lax bros - short for "lacrosse brothers"

Lacrosse brothers! Who are these brothers of lacrosse? How do they wear their hair? What music do they listen to? What words do they use to denote things they like?

Older lax bros - short for "lacrosse brothers" - tend to offer similarly vague definitions of the phenomenon, but it is easy to spot them. Lax bros display a certain understated confidence that critics call arrogance. They wear their hair long, a look known as "lettuce." They dress in colorful board shorts, flat-brim hats, and bright half-calf socks. They carry lacrosse sticks, or "spoons," on and off the field.

Everything good is "chill," especially chillin', a favored activity that often includes listening to the music of O.A.R., Dispatch, and Dave Mathews.

What is the chillest thing about being a lacrosse brother? Definitely it's wearing the traditional lacrosse brother garb of a t-shirt with a lacrosse-related saying on it, such as, for example, "laxbro," "#laxlife," or "Entering Laxachusetts," which is now the official name of the former Commonwealth of Massachusetts ever since one of the roving lacrosse brother militias broke into the Massachusetts State House and shouted rude things at Deval Patrick until he agreed to shotgun a beer.