The People’s Princess Jenna Bush Is Having a Baby, Too
Fucking suck it, England. America is having its own baby now, with no help from anyone. Jenna Bush Hager confirmed the news by making awkward jokes about her pregnancy on the Today Show – the American equivalent of sending out a formal announcement from Buckingham Palace—this morning.
The child will be the first for Jenna and husband Henry Hager, whom she married in 2008. It will be the first non-secret grandchild for Laura and George W. Bush.
Because nothing on Today can ever be done in a normal way that leaves everyone feeling comfortable and relaxed, the news was revealed via a series of pre-planned spontaneous interruptions.
Savannah Guthrie kicked things off by starting to introduce Jenna's segment about remembering holiday traditions, but then cut herself off mid-sentence:
"Today contributing correspondent Jenna Bush Hager is here with some of the ways that we cele0-you know what, actually though, Jenna? I feel like we have a bigger story than that. Don't you? Do you have some news for us?"
Next an excited Jenna then to trip over herself in a carefully choreographed dance of words:
"I'm nervous and so excited to say that Henry and I are pregnant. Or, I'm pregnant."
As Savannah and Matt Lauer clapped for pregnant, Jenna's husband Henry Hager came out and presented his wife with what looked like a lovely array of funeral lilies and they both made stiff jokes about how he had "just picked them this morning." (Jenna dumped them on the table immediately.)
Then there was an awkward speakerphone call with George W. and Laura Bush. Jenna called her father "Popsicle" and said that he and her mother "actually have [her] cat right now" (?). Bush said he wants the baby to call him "Sir" or "Jefe," which he pronounced "Heffie." Jenna said she wants the baby to call him "Poncho." Everyone laughed at the funniness of words.
Then Jenna made a joke about how staged the call was and Matt's eyes shone completely black for a second because this brassy girl with the face of George Bush and the womb of Eve had just ruined the magic of television.
And then the segment ended. The baby will hit theatres this spring.
[Today // Image via Getty]
I feel bad for Jenna and Barbara. They seem like they're genuinely decent people, and are regularly involved in programs and causes that help people. It must suck tremendously to have a father who went down as one of the worst presidents in United States history, and who royally fucked things up for so many people. I'm glad they turned out better than their dad. I sincerely hope things go well for them. Congrats.
"As Savannah and Matt Lauer clapped for pregnant..."
Not sure why that got me so good but it did. I'm using that now.
My heart just melts when another little white baby is going to be born American. This baby will have all the opportunities every American has when born here. Hopefully, the parents will raise it right and instill in it the work ethic it takes to make it in this wonderful country. It is a rough road ahead for this little one. One paved with obstacles and competition. In order to succeed financially and spiritually this little baby is going to have to overcome so much. Hopefully, it won't be held back by unions and other nefarious anti-American groups that want to get in the way of good old American hard work.
Good luck little baby! I hope you overcome all the societal inequities that you are bound to encounter and become a joyous and self-reliant American.
Anyone else notice how much Jenna looks like her father? That hideous face is the realization of my worst nightmare!
Jeebus. She is totally the lady version of "W". And also, what's the deal with lilies for weddings and celebratory stuff when it is a fuckin' death flower filled with woes and sadness?
No help from anybody? That turkey baster didn't just fill itself, ya know
Last I heard, the Bush twins were teaming up with Google to give the world health care. By making relationships. Or something.
America only has one People's Princess. Jenna Bush is not Elinor Donhue!
Already the race for the 2048 presidential contest is under way.
I'm not sure who is worse out of these; Kate Middleton or Jenna Bush. At least with Jenna Bush though, my taxes don't go into paying for her ridiculously entitled and privileged lifestyle (i.e. unlike with Kate Middleton), so there is that crumb of decency.
Anyways, let's just hope there aren't any prank calls with this one.
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